Suiting Myself at Forty-Eight

I've often heard it said that there is a comfort, a feeling-at-home-in-one's-own-skin, that comes with getting older. At 48, I can attest to this fact. Increasingly, I find myself living my life my way, in accordance with what suits me. When I was younger, living in accordance with what suited me might have gotten me into trouble and often did! These days, I find that suiting myself generally means I am in sync with the universe, so to speak. I can trust myself to decide well, to take the time required, to consider all angles. Somewhere along the line maybe I have earned the privilege of suiting myself.

Of course, I have some checks and balances that I have come to rely upon. Brian is probably the most important of these. Our married life has by no means been a dance through sun-dappled meadows. We've had our share of challenges. But one thing that has truly been a blessing is that we balance each other. It is, in fact, a curious thing to me to notice that sometimes now I am the one urging caution and to take more time to consider all angles (normally his domain).

Our children are also another check and balance for me. In the distant past (pre-Brian, pre-children), decisions I had to make were about me, and me alone (at least, that is how I viewed them at that time!). In hindsight, it must have, at times, been hard for my parents. I really had no inkling that important decisions I made way-back-when had an impact on them, affected them in a host of ways. ("No man is an island" after all. In reality, we are all more inter-connected than we can begin to fathom.) Nowadays, every important decision I make (which frequently means it is a decision that Brian and I make together) must consider our children. In fact, they are perhaps the most important consideration. Because of this, sacrifice is involved. In looking to the greater good, though, we always gain. That is the mystery of sacrifice.

As I consider the fact that my checks and balances are, in reality, the most important people in my life, I begin to see why I can now trust myself when I follow my own inner promptings in doing what suits me. I have become a less selfish person as life has plodded (and often raced) on. Trust is an essential in any relationship, including the one we have with our own self. I trust myself. I know that, for the important things, I can count on myself to make good choices.

So, how does this relate to the comfort that comes with getting older? It has everything to do with that trust. It also has to do with the models I have had in my life - especially that of my mother. I suppose there was a time when my mother might have been more caught up in her appearance and the impression her home, her cooking, her volunteer activities, and so forth, made on others. She was, after all, a product of her time, and women were not really supposed to please themselves. They were there for the pleasure of others, for the service of others, and most women of my mother's generation probably did not even know what might give them pleasure and comfort.

As Mom aged, appearances of all kinds mattered less and less. What remained important was to maintain a degree of decency, but one felt, in visiting her, that she was now decorating her home to suit herself, she was choosing her activities to please herself. Some of those activities would not have been my choice. It does not matter. What matters - the wonderful impression she left on me - is that she was taking charge of her own life. She had earned that privilege. She lived a responsible, considerate, honest and service-oriented life, and this was not about to change. Did her growing ability to "suit herself" detract from her innate qualities of good humour, compassion, honesty, and generosity? Not one iota. In fact, that "suiting herself" at which she became so adept is now a model. It gives me permission.

I revel in remembering Mom in her last days on this earthly plane, lying in her hospital bed, just before lights out, bag of cheesies in hand, crunching with great pleasure before turning off the light and going to sleep.

Thank you, Mom for the gift of suiting yourself and of being yourself.