Knowing When the Answer is YES

It is nearly autumn, and each year at about this time, the same old inner struggle begins again. In our home, because we still have dependent children, our new year really starts in late August, when the girls head back to classes. It also tends to be the time when committees re-form, when various regular activities start up again and, knowing this, I reassess anew what I have to offer, and what are the resources of our family as a whole at this particular time.

It's a tough call this fall, because it has been a particularly trying year. Losing my mother has taken a toll on me. We faced months of uncertainty regarding where we might live and whether Brian might even have work in the end. That uncertainty seems to have ended. Our road-map for the coming year will look much as it did last year. We'll be living here, we'll be working at the same jobs, our girls will be at the same educational institutions. However, speaking for myself, my energy is low, or perhaps I should say that my energy needs to be focused in a more inward direction for a time, and that seems to demand great energy. Inner work, inner healing, does require lots of energy, and this work is largely invisible to others. Hence the expectation, sometimes, that a person with apparent time on their hands might have more to offer than they actually do. If one is working through a grieving process, or perhaps a bout of depression, one is very occupied. I emphasize "work" though. There is a difference between actively striving to learn the lessons of such a process and wallowing in an unhealthy melancholy. Speaking for myself, my grieving process, in this particular instance, is like trying to orient myself to a new terrain while at the same time integrating a tremendous payload of new information and impressions. I need time to write, to look through old photographs, to nurture connections with those who knew and loved Mom, to decide how my life, henceforward, will be a testimony to all that was wonderful and best about Mom and how she lived her life. That is hard work, and it has its own time-table that cannot be imposed even by me, never mind the world out there.

A friend once described to me a process she had read about in a book whereby, if you listen to your body very carefully, you know what "yes" feels like in your body. Similarly, you can also recognize what "no" feels like. She said that the next time you are doing something you really do not enjoy, such as your taxes, notice how you feel in your body at that time. For example, I would probably feel irritable, tense, maybe have some slight indigestion and perhaps even a headache at such a time. On the other hand, when you are doing something pleasant to you, notice how you feel then. Generally, I feel energized and mentally stimulated at such times, and I find my senses very alive and vibrant.

Now, to this idea I think one could add a concept I learned about at a conference this summer - that the heart, scientists are discovering, is much more than a muscle that pumps blood. It seems that the heart has its own intelligence, is a sender and receiver of information and, as well, it has cellular memory. I have heard of the term "emotional intelligence", and if there is such a thing, it would seem to me it would be serviced through the heart. Increasingly we are learning that much illness and disease has its roots in emotional disturbances. It makes sense that trying to be in touch with the state of one's heart, combined with tuning in to other disturbances in the body, would be a potent way of learning what the answer is - Yes, or No. Maybe this is just another way of saying "follow your gut" or "trust your intuition".

Listening to one's body, tuning in to the heart's message - now this is a helpful approach for me. I have a strong inner critic. The critic resides and thrives in the mental process, and anything that helps me tune in to a deeper "knowing" will remove me from the nattering of this inner critic.

I am certainly getting better at detecting when the answer in my body is "no" or "yes". However, like taxes, sometimes hearing a "no" does not mean you get to not do the thing! Therefore, it is really helpful for me to notice when I am getting a clear "yes". With regards to how I will offer my time this fall, I have had a couple of resounding new "yes's". My first priority, then, is to map those "yes's" into my road-map for the year.

My goal is to populate my year with as many "yes's" as I can, and to minimize the "no's". Wish me luck with that!